I am sitting at my kitchen table with tears dangling on the edge of my eyelids. To the point where they are clouding my vision they have risen so much, but haven't quite brimmed over.

I got home around 9 from a senior high school portrait session. It was beyond dreamy. Imagine 700 acres of land, a dairy farm, dusty roads, old barns, fields of clover the deepest emerald green, baby blue sky with wisps of clouds. Bunny rabbits, beautiful cows, a dog and a warm, down to earth, beautiful teenager.

I stayed there for 3.5 hrs instead of the normal 2. It was so fun.

But this isn't why I am teary. I drove home planning to pull an all niter to get caught up on a family session I had before Squam, and get through the first few stages of editing on today's photo session, so I could get back to editing Squam photos.

Instead I sat down and opened Bloglines. And I have read some posts from lovely souls I met at Squam. The emotion that comes through the photos I took, is beautiful, but I have only had little nuggets of time to work on them and am no where near finished. Reading post after post tonight just has me all melty inside.

Since I got back I have thought at least 15 times a day about writing a post, but I keep avoiding it. It feels like no words can do justice to the experience I had.

Every single person that I came across I felt a connection, I saw a sparkle in their eyes, felt the hugeness of their heart, and could feel their courage. I couldn't help but reach out and hug , hold hands and rub shoulders or knees. The energy swirling around was palpable and delightful. Each afternoon while Denise and I were walking through the beautiful woods, I found myself having a moment of complete and udder exhaustion from all the emotion. Luckily it would dissipate as quickly as it came.

Elizabeth blew me away with what she created. She is so sincere, beautiful, warm, delightful, rooted and wise. In my eyes she really is the Goddess of Squam.

I will continue to write about the experience and post photographs through the week.

I just had to post a bit as the emotions were swirling on top.

Thank you Christine for your wise post about re entering the world after a deeply moving retreat. It really helped me feel a bit more grounded. If you feel you could use some grounding you may want to check it out.

Namaste

Liz Lamoreux
Kirsten Michelle

Beautiful apron made by Liz Lamoreux

Liz is such a dear heart and creative diva. I was obsessed with getting one of her aprons to where. I feel so loved and yummy when I wear it.

Go check out her shop The little room. She rocks!

**edited to change name spellings. Sorry Liz and Kirsten. I was a bit tired. I also have mentioned in the past that I am intimidated by writing and often only have bits of time. My misspelling and grammar errors are just par for my blog writing.

My butterfly
Originally uploaded by colorsonmymind

Everything beautiful, powerful, graceful, talented, gentle, loving, wise, loyal..........


damn it I wish I could get more out before being blinded with tears of gratitude......

Jen Gray

jen gray
Originally uploaded by Boho Photography

I feel all over-a bit panicked about all the photos I have waiting for me.

But this photo of my sweet sweet shero Jen brought me right back to calm.

She has a way about her. A tenderness and caring that exudes from every pore of her being. A strength and power that you see in her eyes and the way she carries herself. A delightful priceless ability to lighten your heart with her laughter, innocence and humor. And a healing touch that balms your heart and soul.

I learn so much from you my dear lovely soul sister.
Your friendship is a wonderful gift that I honor and cherish immensly.

Thank you for bringing me peace.

This is just one of the mind blowing photographs Denise took this weekend. I just love Denise's ability to connect with her subjects heart and capture the essence of each artist she photographs.

So looking at this beautiful photo I was reminded to stay present today.

To savor the little 3 yr old boy I have. Walking away from the computer when he awakens from his nap early so we can go measuring with his ruler. Pulling myself back in the moment when he rides off on his bike announcing "I am going to get you a treat" and then returns with a crab apple in his hand that he hands to me delicately. I hold out my hand to receive this gift.

And then I offered a bath and a wet sponge fight as an alternative when he wanted to swim in the pool that we closed and covered last week. I laughed and played instead of worrying about the photos. It feels good to stay in my heart.

Tomorrow is another day.

You got to taste sometimes don't you?
Of that tender kind of connection
That reaches deep and holds you,
By the bones it fills you up
But do you get enough?

I need a bridge in the city of rivers
I need a bridge to run across with my face wide open
Nothing held back in my heart
It could be wide enough for two
It could be wide enough for you
On the other side

So hard to say what is out there
In confusion impossibly clear
I have a wanting ache
And you have the steady gaze of a snake

I need a bridge in the city of rivers
I need a bridge to run across with my face wide open
Nothing held back in my heart
It could be wide enough for two
It could be wide enough for you

I will be waiting for you
On the other side

Lyrics from Deb Talan ~ A Bridge

Each day I have a few hrs to go through the hundreds and hundreds of photographs I took while at Squam.

There is a physical response in my chest. A fullness-a sense of a small place jammed packed with butterflies fluttering - dancing.

I feel a sense of excitement and overwhelm. A gift presented to me-not only to have been there to document this, but also the gift of being able to reform the connections with each and every photo that I look at.

This weekend I felt my heart burst open. My emotions found wings-took flight. It is an intense experience. One I want to hold on to and yet in some teeny tiny way want to escape. Does that make sense? That feeling this so intensely is life altering and feels a bit much?

Just a reminder-for me there are two choices:
blog-stream of conciousness style
not blog at all

Here I am.......

PS. I have so many photos that it seems the only way to process them is to start from the beginning.....

Squam

one of many the many shots I got of the group
Originally uploaded by colorsonmymind

Re entering the world after The Squam art workshops.

I have so much to share but I am so so tired.

I wanted to tell everyone in this photo. Thank you....for being part of that pivotal moment when my dream took over.

I felt all of your butterflies and am honored to have witnessed their release into the world.

They are special and oh so important.

PS - Christine (aka Swirly) shared the most beautiful analogy at the end of her book launch that has been with my ever since. I cannot even attempt to quote it-but that is where this butterfly analogy came from and it was utterly perfect.

SQUAM art fair!!!!

Christine over at Sparkletopia has posted (with pictures:) some introductions of the mind blowing, talented artists that will be at The Squam Art Fair. There will be so many!

If you live within driving distance this is an opportunity that can't be missed!

If you are inspired by these artists and moved by their work, this is your chance to soak in the creative energy and love that is bound to be oozing all over this art fair.

I have been pretty bummed the past few years that many of the women I am inspired by and many of the art events I long to attend are on the West Coast. For all us East Coasters this is such a beautiful opportunity to bask in this creativity.

If you couldn't make it to the workshops this year, you can come to the art fair and connect with the artists that are teaching AND all the artists that will be attending. This is a perfect time to make connections and to affirm in your heart the creative pulls you may feel in your own heart and/or to soak in the beauty of all the art that will be there!

On a side note-I keep reminding myself that no matter our experience in expressing our creative side, we are all artists. Every artist that is teaching or selling their art at Squam had a beginning. They all had a moment where they listened to the whispers in their heart and took that uncomfortable, awkward step into their artistic life. I am sharing this with you because I only re tapped into my creativity a couple of years ago and I still remember how hard it was to take that step. To have faith in myself that there was something there for my foot to land on. I didn't know where to start, I didn't know what my media would be. I thought people just woke up talented amazing artists, and since I had no clue what to do, it must mean I wasn't really an artist.

Thank goodness I met Sarah Smith here in my area. She encouraged me to allow myself to take work I was inspired by and try to create something similar. I felt a bit bummed that I had to get ideas from others work. It seemed to feed the gremlins that I didn't have any artistic bits of my own.

But I was so, so looking at it from the wrong angle. I believe, that if a piece of art moves you-there is something about it that expresses energy within you. To use that work as inspiration gets the energy flowing within you. My issue was that so many of the methods I tried at first just didn't tap into the big kahuna artistic river inside of me, and I kept being faced with disappointment because I went into the exploration expecting an instant answer. I thought if I was an artist, I should be able to be instantly start making great at mixed media, paintings etc.

Now looking back I see that I had to keep trying on different hats. I had to keep blundering through this sea of artistic expression, each step I was unknowingly training my intuition, and my ability to see through my artist eye.

In time I started to be able identify the activation of my creative side and how to move on if a method or style wasn't doing it.

Taking workshops is such an amazing opportunity to be shown a method by someone who is in their artistic zone. It gives you an opportunity to try methods and tap into what moves you.

I am sooooooo excited and I have to admit, a bit nervous to be a part of this fair. I can't wait to meet all of you. To connect in person is a wonderful experience.

So here is some key information for you if you plan on attending:

PASSPORT TO AN EVENING OF FUN & DISCOVERY IN SANDWICH!

SANDWICH, NH - SQUAM ART FAIR will be held on Saturday, September 13 at the Sandwich Elementary School in Center Sandwich from 6:30pm to 9:00pm. Open to the public and featuring over 30 artists from all over North America, this is not your ordinary art fair-- so don't miss it! The work available for sale is exceptional and attendees are encouraged to walk about lovely downtown Center Sandwich, and get their "passport" stamped at a variety of local shops and galleries.

The free “passport” can be picked up at the SQUAM ART FAIR, or at any of the participating venues: Patricia Ladd Carega Gallery, Willow Pond Antiques, Surroundings Art Gallery or Mocha Rizing. Once the passport is stamped at each venue, it can then be redeemed at the Corner House Inn for 10% off any entrée (lunch/brunch or dinner) for the entire month of September 2008.

SQUAM ART FAIR is the ending celebration of Squam Art Workshops, which is a four-day event hosted in Holderness, NH at the Rockywold-Deephaven Camps on the shores of Squam Lake. The mission of Squam Art Workshops is to offer an extraordinary retreat that will inspire people from all walks of life, not necessarily only those who make their living as artists. This is a chance for people who do not have the opportunity to pursue art full-time to step off the busy merry-go-round of life and submerge themselves in a beautiful, natural setting replete with inspiring workshops and caring teachers.

SQUAM ART FAIR has a stellar line-up of artists from across the US and Canada who will be selling beautiful handmade work including: original paintings, jewelry, letterpress stationery, vintage dolls, handblown glass, art prints, photography, bags & purses, handbound books, music cd’s, quilts and much more.

Squam Art Workshops and SQUAM ART FAIR are managed by Sandwich resident, Elizabeth MacCrellish. She intends to make this an annual event.

Couldn't resist posting this

Getting ready for SQUAM

I can't believe the SQUAM workshops are in just over a week!

I am getting nervous and excited.

This weekend means so much to me in so many ways.

Having a chance to flit around as the event photographer is beyond magical. I keep having delightful dreams of all the beauty I will have a chance to capture.

Being with my darling garden friends - walking through nature arm in arm - giggling - laughing-dancing will be such a balm to my heart and soul.

Meeting new people and a bunch that I know through their blogs but have never had a chance to meet before. I have been so consumed with trying to get my portrait business up and running in an organized and professional manner, while having family vacations and lots of play time with my three year old before school starts again, that I haven't been reading the blogs I so love. For the past week I have almost reveled in the idea that I have no clue who is coming to SQUAM besides my friends who are teaching. This leaves a bit of lingering suspense in my heart as I know that many of the women who have touched my lives through their blogging, will be attending and I get all clap happy excited imagining that I will be meeting a slew of them in a little over a week.

A few bits of nervousness surface here and there as well. Insecurities about my weight, my hair, my wrinkles, my clothes surface here and there. I try to remind myself that these are so silly, but carrying these extra 10 pounds over my old "heavy" weight and all the aging that has occurred with the stress of my miscarriages, as well as the neglect that comes with me embracing each and every spare moment I have to work on my business- leaves me looking in the mirror and being a bit shocked at how the beauty I feel inside doesn't seem to reflect in my outward appearance. As I write this I wonder why I think appearance on the outside is the only way to communicate what is on the inside.

I do admit that I have found myself doing a double take when I catch my own eyes in the mirror. As I look closer for a moment I ask myself, has the color changed?- no- has the contrast changed?- no- maybe it is all the portraits I have been taking. The fact that I treasure being able to catch the glint, the sparkle, the soul in others eyes. So much so that i am started to see my own?

I have been a bit quiet here on my blog, because I find that my thoughts feel complicated and tough to write out. I worry about sounding too scattered, too flaky, too tough, too weak, too worried. When I am tasking on a project I go at it 100%. So much so that I often can become withdrawn-even from my husband and friends. I have been working really hard to be present with them lately. It has been taking a lot of my concentration-leaving my thoughts to float around in the waiting room of my mind, only to be attended to when I get a few moments alone. Then....well then they all seem to rush to the front of the line-climbing over each other.

Oh boy....I am so tempted to erase this, like so many previous posts. I wonder why I hate the idea of sounding so all over the place.
LOL

Anyway I thought I would share a few of the postcards I will be selling vendor night at SQUAM. I will be sharing a vendor table with my soul sister Denise on Saturday night.